by Kelly Pfeffer
“Every follower of Jesus at some point will confront the Wall – or, as the ancients called it, “the dark night of the soul.”
– Peter Scazzero, The Emotionally Healthy Spirituality
Ten years ago, what I thought was the perfect day of my life happened. The moment was the day of our wedding. I married the man I prayed for. The man I knew without a shadow of a doubt that God wanted me to marry. I knew he was the gift God gave me. He was the missing piece to our family. I now had a man of God as my husband and my son, Dominic, had a dad. A man who loved my son as his own and would be a role model for him. I thought that it was my “perfect day”. A day that would clear all my mistakes and give me a clean slate. It was the day that my happily ever after would begin. The day that all our dreams and plans for our future would begin.
Weeks later, I would encounter a wall, another wall.
I have had many walls in my life. Walls of deception, loss, betrayal, hurt, but these walls caused doubt, anger, and ultimately would change the image of the God I served. As I faced each wall, I would become rebellious. Instead of running to God, I would run away from Him. I would run to others and tried to fill the void with things. And it all failed. Those things, those people, would fail to fill the emptiness, so I would run back to God. I carried out this pattern right into our happily ever after.
Less than 2 months after our wedding, I was diagnosed with MS. Just like before, instead of keeping my eyes on God, I rebelled. My relationship with God was based on circumstances. I thought that the God I knew couldn’t possibly allow all this to happen to me. I thought that maybe I just didn’t deserve better.
I gave up way too quick into these thoughts and allowed them to control how I saw God, who He was, who He was to me, and who God was in me.
You see, God will always be our heavenly Father – the One that made us in His image. God will always be the Son, Jesus Christ -the One who died on the cross for grace, redemption, salvation and love. God will always be the Holy Spirit – the One that lives within us and who holds the keys to unlock the supernatural power of God within us.
You and I will have many walls in our lives. They are the situations, circumstances, seasons, trials that challenge us to grow. But it is a Wall, with a capital W, that truly changes your life.
Years passed before I hit a big “Wall” in my life. I found myself in a medically induced coma. While in the coma, I had a vision of myself dying and I had begged God for a second chance. Then in the dark, I would hear, “Kelly can you hear us. Kelly…” I was screaming inside of me…I am alive, then darkness would come again. What I didn’t know was that they were putting me to sleep to minimize my trauma of coming out of a coma. What I didn’t know was that I was intubated and that’s why I couldn’t be heard. But what I did know at this point was that my God lived in me and if I allowed Him, He would live through me. I was ready to walk through this Wall. This was The Wall. The moment where it was soo dark.
At that moment I spoke to the Holy Spirit within me and gave it authority to work through me. I acknowledged Him and my weakness and released Him to work through me. I said “Holy Spirit within me please help me. They can’t hear me but with your help everything is possible, speak through me.” Seconds after that prayer the dim light and voice came “Kelly can you hear us…” this time I didn’t attempt to speak I just let the Holy Spirit work where somehow they knew I could hear them. I think I may have shaken my head? Everything happened so fast. Then I signed “yes”. They heard me. They instructed me to stay calm, that they needed to remove my breathing tube. I was back.
Something broke in this process. I was no longer a victim. I was victorious. I didn’t turn away, I turned to God. Waking up was just the beginning of the hard work to recovery. But this time I would walk hand in hand with God through it. I turned to God, to His identity, to who I knew. I was a child of God, the warrior He created me to be. I had within me a huge key to the supernatural power of God who works in us and through us. I knew without a shadow of a doubt that God is the great “I AM”. I was free from myself and I was walking on water, believing in the unseen, broken in true surrender.
This is my perfect day… every day I am beloved. Every day I wake up and know God is with me. Circumstances, seasons, people, or things may come and go but my God is my entire world. My dependence is on Him, my joy is in Him, my peace is in the Holy Spirit within me. God is my Father, my Savior and Redeemer, my strength, and my all.
I am free.
Kelly Pfefeer is a woman who quietly lives a powerfilled life of love and faithfulness, going where God asks her to go, doing what God asks her to do and trusting Him to work in every part of her life. Through Christian Restorative Stretching (Yoga) and Meditation Kelly brings the healing heart of God to woman of all ages and backgrounds. I am so glad she is my friend.
– Pastor Cindy Grasso